One For You, One For Me... On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won''t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can''t you see it''s hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you''ve been tellin'' me the truth. Let''s see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That''s all. Now let''s go get those nuts by the fence and we''ll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
One For You, One For Me...
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
What The Weather Look Like?
It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation In South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn''t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it''s going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It''s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we''ve ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "Because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ''Talking Dog For Sale '' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
''You talk?'' he asks.
''Yep,'' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ''So, what''s your story?''
The Lab looks up and says, ''Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.''
''I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn''t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'' ''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I''m just retired.''
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
''Ten dollars,'' the guy says.
''Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?''
''Because he''s a liar. He never did any of that sh*t.
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life? The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Marvelous,"said the head of the institution. "Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach.There is something to be said for spending one''s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists." "Absolutely," said the head. "Then again, I might write.There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution." "An interesting possibility," said the head. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
A duck goes into a bar and askes the bartender, "You got any fish?" The bartender replies, "No, this is a bar and we don''t sell fish," so the duck leaves. The next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "You got any fish?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we don''t sell fish!" The following day the duck returns and says, "You got any fish?" The bartender loses it, grabs the duck by the neck and screams, "I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A BAR. WE DON''T SELL FISH. IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I''M GONNA NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!" The next day, the duck goes into the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don''t have any nails." The duck says, "Good. Got any fish?"
from Animal jokes
Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it.- Anonymous
No man''s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.- Mark Twain
I don''t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.- Will Rogers
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.- P.J. O''Rourke
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.- Douglas Casey
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.- James Bovard
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.- Winston Churchill
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.- Mark Twain
from Joke of the Day
"Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes."
- Mickey Mouse
Some people are alive only because it''s illegal to kill them.
Two female cats are sitting on a fence.
One says to the other, "What would you like for Christmas?"
"I''d like four kittens. How about you?" The other cat says,
"Well, I''d like five kittens."
The old tomcat listening to the conversation jumps up on the fence and says,
"Here comes Santa, here comes Santa."
from Animal jokes
Pam received a parrot for her birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and a bad vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren''t expletives were, to say the least, rude.
Pam tried hard to change the bird''s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music and anything she could think of. Nothing worked.
She yelled at the bird. The bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird just got madder and ruder.
Finally , in a moment of desperation, Pam put the bird in the freezer and shut the door. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking and kicking and then suddenly there was quiet.
Pam was frightened that she may have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Pam''s extended arm and said, "I''m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
Pam was astonished at the bird''s change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused the change when the parrot continued: "Might I ask what the CHICKEN did?"
attitude názor, postoj,expletive kletba, sprosté slovo,yell křičet, řvát,desperation zoufalství, beznaděj,squawk skřehotat, vřeštět,offend urazit,forgiveness odpuštění,endeavor snažit se,behavior chování,astonish udivit, překvapit
from Animal jokes
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
cabin - srub, huge - obrovský, wound - zranit,enraged - rozzuřený, drop - upustit, rifle - puška, trip - zakopnout, yell - křičet, řvát, skin - stáhnout kůži
from Short Funny Jokes
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody''s job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn''t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."
- Rodney Dangerfield
Computers will never take the place of books. You can''t stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.
-- Sam Ewing
They''ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
-- Milton Berle
The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
-- Robert Paul
from Amusing quotes
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'' Do you know how they make these gloves? '' he asked.
'' No, I don''t, '' she replied.
'' Well, '' he spoofed, '' there''s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size. ''
She didn''t crack a smile.
'' Oh, well. I tried, '' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'' What''s so funny? '' he asked.
'' I was just envisioning how condoms are made! ''
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)